I’m easily pleased, amused, fascinated, … what have you … but all the things that procure such emotions only provide a temporary happiness. There are days when I feel so empty, alone, blank … and I like to wave those fleeting moments off as me overthinking. But deep down, I’m not so sure I am … or rather, maybe I am otherwise I wouldn’t be looking to distract myself and force smiles when I’m such an unsatisfied person. I don’t know … I guess it’s not a complicated thing I’m trying to wrap my mind around … this idea … not really. I’m going through the phase of my life where I’m trying to figure out myself. My true identity. The me when I’m alone. The me when I’m with family. The me when I’m with friends. The me back then. The me now. But most importantly, the me I want to be. The one that I’ve been trying to become. Like there is so much I can do in my life … I just don’t know what and what am I doing about it right now? Blogging haha. Well, I’m trying to discover myself through blogging to say the very least … They say that knowledge is power, and it really is. Because if I knew what I was born to this world to do, then I wouldn’t have to feel like such a lost little lamb. The very confidence and conviction I lack makes me unhappy and restless … Even in the best company, I find myself silently retreating into the recesses of my mind, where this feeling- this emptiness, resides. And then, in an instant, I’m lost again. Wondering why, that even despite all of these amazing people in my life, I’m not happy. But it makes me wonder, did I ever have a moment of complete, utter happiness? Perhaps, when I was a kid. When I didn’t give two fucks and lived without a care in the world. When was the last time I glowed with joy? Is it sad that I don’t remember? Maybe … But then again, with a memory like mine, I probably just wouldn’t anyways. I’m not the type of person to bother with “such trivial details.” And I think that’s what gets me by every time these sort of thoughts circulate my head: the fact that I can get by with constant distractions. The fact that even if I’m not happy, that I don’t even have to try an understand why not. And yet it is this desire to understand, that gets me by all the same.
It’s a day late, but hurrah for the start of the -ber months!